Tony Buzbee is what happens if you combine Kenny Powers, Matthew McConaughey, and quite possibly, some alcohol.
And it’s not pretty.
This is my quick transcript take from ABC-KTRK’s video of Tony Buzbee’s speech from his election night watch party. If it seems disjointed, it is. If you think I missed a word, there’s a small chance I did, but a bigger chance I nailed that part of the transcription and Tony’s the one who whiffed it.
Without further ado, Tony Buzbee, in his own words.
“We’re going to do something different. Can I put my glasses on, is that ok? Ok, alright.
Because back on October 31st, I started this race with the idea to get Houston back on track.
I knew that I would not be the most popular person. I knew that people would accuse me of being a politician, but I’m not politician. I deeply care about the city of Houston. I deeply care about the city of Houston. Let me tell you why I care. Let me tell you why I care.
I’m gonna take you back. I’m gonna take you back to 1980. Now how many of you were even alive in 1980? I’m gonna take you back. Can I? Can I take you back to 1980? Alright. I’m gonna take you back …
In 1980, oh, goodness gracious. Goodness gracious. In 1980. You know what I was worried about in 1980? I was worried about a lot more … all I was worried about in 1980 was and I gotta say it and my momma’s here, my momma’s here, my momma’s right there [points].
Momma, in 1980, all I was worried about was could I avoid you gonna understand what I’m saying, right? In 1980? You don’t remember? I know you remember? Yeah, you can’t hear me. She can’t hear me!
Listen, guys, we’re going to change the city. We’re going to change the city.
I am so excited about the City of Houston. Are you excited about the City of Houston? I am so excited. I’m not going to go back into our past and y momma knows our past and it was hard. It was rough and tumble.
People say like oh, he had a hard upbringing. Well, I had a hard upbringing. My dad used to say I’ll fight at the drop of the hat and I’ll drop the hat.
And I love my father and I’ve come to peace with my daddy, but it was bad. We had a hard time. We had a hard time.
And I’ll say this about my mom. She made sure that, she made sure, my mother. I want y’all to all celebrate my mother right here. My momma my mother made sure that when Sunday school Sunday service Sunday night Sunday…uhh…Tuesday bible service, Wednesday night, Vacation bible school, uhhh, my momma made sure I went to church.
Thank you, momma.
Mom, if nothing else, I want to tell you something right now. And I got all these people and if nobody else if I never done it before, I love you. Thank you.
My mother let me tell you about my momma. She drove my school bus, my mother drove by school bus and everybody in my whole community, 1300 people, everybody in my community loved my mother.
Mom, you know it’s true. We love you. We love you.
We lived 9 miles outside of a 1300 city. We lived in a 1300-person city and my mother is probably the most famous person from the city. After me. Maybe after me.
Mom, I love you so much. Now my dad, not so much. Naw, I’m just saying …
My dad was pretty mean and he would like, you know, but whatever.
But let me say, I got my sister right here. My sister my sister my biggest fan. I love you girl. I love you. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s going to happen in this election. But I know that my mother, and my sister ,and my girlfriend, Frances Moody, no matter what happens, we’re gonna be good. We’re gonna be good.
Now let me say this. Now I’m gonna say it. I’ve got my glasses and I’m getting ready to preach! Are y’all ready? Alright let me preach.
On December 14th, I started this race for Houston, to put Houston back on track.
I announced that we can do better. That we were at a crossroads. Are we gonna be the city that we could be, the city we know we should be, the city that we all expect we could be, or are we gonna be the city that we’re a little bit scared we might become?
And that’s what we’ve been working for.
That’s what we’ve been working for. And I love the city of Houston. Do you love the city of Houston?
When we talk about … lemme talk about something.
There’s a woman that lives on the east side of Houston. Every morning, she walks 2 blocks to her bus stop, and it’s not safe, and it’s not covered. And she drives she gets on the bus she goes all the way across Houston. And she sees the inequity between the East Side, and Tanglewood and River Oaks and Uptown. My question to you is who at City Hall represents her?
I will represent her. I will represent her. Now, listen, listen, hear me very carefully. Hear me carefully.
There are people that are homeless. That live in tents in our city. They live in tents in our city. They live in tents.
And they have a job. But the city doesn’t care if they have a job. So they go to their job, and when they’re gone, the city comes and takes everything they own. Who represents them?
I represent them. I represent them.
We will do better.
Now, the press says Oh goodness gracious alive. That’s what we say in east Texas. Goodness gracious alive. Turner’s gonna win without a runoff.
I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think that’s true.
There are homeless people across this city that have no representation. There are people that care about animals that are all across this city. There are people in this city that have no representation and guess what? Tony Buzbee will represent them.
And here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I’m wearing my United States…I can still wear…isn’t that funny? I can still wear my Marine Corps greens.
And I’ll tell you something right now. I grew up and my father was a butcher. He cut meat for 43 years. 43 years. Stood on his feet and he was mad at the world. My momma drove our school bus and worked in the high school cafeteria. Actually, she worked in the snack bar. I’ll be honest. I mean my mom’s like Tony, I worked in the snack bar.
I didn’t have a lot of options. I told my mom I said mom I want to go to college and she says I think we don’t have I mean a $1,300 check, I don’t remember what it was.
I didn’t have a lot of options. Now, here I am. In the City of Houston. Running for mayor. If you don’t think the American Dream exists, it exists right now. It is here.
Now some of you say oh, Tony Buzbee’s not gonna make the runoff. Well guess what?
We’re gonna make the runoff. And when we make that runoff, we are going to win.
We are gonna win!
We’re gonna win.
And I want to say something to you.
The other day, the other day, when I went and voted, early voted, there was this this song like the red…have y’all ever heard that song, the red dirt road? Oh my god. What a song, right?
I was listening to that and I was with my momma. And obviously, I love my momma. Mom, you’re going to be famous! I love you so much. Thank you for being so good to me.
When there was this song that talks about uh a person that grew up on a red dirt road. Because I grew up 9 miles outside of a 1300-person town. That’s where I grew up. I didn’t know anything. All I knew is I wanted to get the hell out of that town. That’s all I knew.
And I wanna tell you something right now. The fact that I’m standing here with all of you people, all of you people, gonna be your next mayor, gonna be your next mayor, I wanna say this to you, I wanna say this to you.
There’s something to be said for honesty. There’s something to be said for being true. To your principles. There’s something to be said to that. Career politicians have put us in the position that we are in, and we’re gonna change it. We’re gonnna change it.
And let me say, let me say this, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight. The good news is this. I’m still gonna love my mom, and I’m gonna love my sister ,and I’m gonna love Frances no matter what happens.
God is good. All the time, All the time , God is good. All the time
And let’s say guys, guys, are we, are we ready for this? We’re gonna do it, we’re gonna do it.
And I wanna tell you a little story. So there was this guy, ok so I’m just gonna tell you this story. So there was this guy and he was sitting on his beach house, some fancy guy and I don’t know what the hell he was doing but he was sitting on his beach house and he was he was sitting on his beach house and he saw somebody like way in the distance and he’s like saw somebody and look at that. Sylvester Turner hates that I don’t know.
I was a United States Marine alright, alright, ok, but they in the distance they saw this old man he was walking down the beach have y’all heard this story before? OK I’m gonna tell you and so they saw this old man and he was down the beach and he’s like throwing like starfish into the ocean have you heard that right? OK? And so the guy was like watching this and he was like ok, I’m going to go talk to this old man and he was like old man, what are you doing?
And the old man is throwing starfish into the ocean have you heard this? OK, so the guy gets off of the deck of his beach house and goes over and talks to the old man and he goes old man, old man, what are you doing?
And he goes I’m throwing these starfish into the ocean. And he said old man, what difference could that make. And he picked up a starfish, and he threw it into the ocean and he says for this starfish, it makes a world of difference. Right, you hear me? You understand what I’m saying?
This mayor this mayor thinks that everybody is just gonna look the other way, he’s gonna look the other way and he’s gonna let this city go the wrong way.
And guess what. Everybody here assembled, no different. Am I right, am I right? I’m gonna say this and I’m gonna be done because I think I’ve worn out my welcome.
[Chants of Tony, Tony…]
I could I could never live up to everything that y’all are saying. I will promise you I will try. I will promise you I will try. But I will do a damn better than our current mayor. I promise you that. I promise you that. Whether we talk about the homelessness issue in this city, whether we talk about stray animal ahh-uhh-shish…whether we talk about the animal cruelty that exists in our city, whether we talk about like doing something about about flooding. We’ve done nothing. We can do better. We can do better.
When I was a, when I was uh and I know we got some I can see one Marine right there. When we talk about the United States Marine Corps, one thing we know about somebody said to me the other day Tony, how are you putting up with this baloney, all these people that are attacking you and messing with you and listen.
Let’s be clear about this. All the stuff that have been attacking me. Let’s be clear. I stood, and I lay in one place for 8 days in a row ok? Yeah man. 8 days in a row. Listen. Lemme say this. Lemme say can I say this? Lemme just finish with this. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I am excited I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight but I bet we’re going to a runoff. Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready?
And lemme tell you this. Our city deserves better than what we have now! Better than what we have now! And we’re gonna do better!”
In contrast, Mayor Turner released this statement:
“To those who voted for me, thank you. To those who did not, I will work hard to earn your votes.
“The good news about this runoff is that Houstonians have a very simple and very clear choice for mayor: An experienced leader who has been delivering for Houston for more than 30 years? Or a Donald Trump imitator who has no experience, no ideas and will say anything, do anything or spend anything to get elected?
“I trust Houstonians to make the right decision for our city.”