Snapshots from Abby Fisher’s Childhood*

*This is not really a history of her childhood. This is satire. Normally, I would just rely upon you to figure that out, dear reader, but these are dark times, and it is entirely unclear what is and isn’t real when someone like Donald Trump is actually taken seriously.

Abby Fisher filed a lawsuit in 2008 when she was not accepted to The University of Texas at Austin.

Technically, actually, she was accepted to a program which would have allowed her to enter UT Austin in her sophomore year if she maintained a decent enough GPA at another school, but that was not good enough for ol’ Abs. So she sued, claiming that it was unfair to her that some minority students were accepted, but she was not.

The facts surrounding her failure to get in and the subsequent lawsuit have been well-documented, so I thought I’d take a look at her earlier history to find out where she gained the courage of her convictions.

December 27, 1989
A child is born. She misses Christmas by two days. She is given the name Abigail Noel anyway, so that December holidays will always be about her.

August 31, 1995 
Abby comes home from the end of her day of kindergarten with a special note about several classmates with serious allergies, and instructions on what can and cannot be packed in lunches.

October 31, 1995, 8:05 a.m. halloween costume abby
Abby arrives in her kindergarten classroom looking adorable in her Pocahontas costume, holding a plastic pumpkin full of her favorite Halloween treat to share with her classmates—mini Baby Ruths.

October 31, 1995, 8:13 a.m.
Abby’s kindergarten teacher frantically phones 9-1-1 to request an ambulance after plunging an Epi-pen into the thigh of George, one of Abby’s classmates, who is deathly allergic to peanuts.

July 2, 1999
Abby arrives at summer camp on the Guadalupe River, and is assigned the bottom bunk.

July 3, 1999
Abby pitches a fit in the camp office, threatening to hold her breath until she turn blue unless she is allowed to call home. After speaking with her mother, she hands the phone to the camp director, crosses her arms, and tilts her head to one side.4th of july hair

July 4, 1999
Abby wakes up in the top bunk and leaps to the floor, shouting USA! USA! USA! Sprains her ankle. Gets to ride to activities on a golf cart for the rest of camp.

June 23, 2001 
At Abby’s half-birthday (please bring gifts from the registry only!), guests are sent home with 10 boxes each of Girl Scout cookies from the Fishers’ deep freeze, each one bearing a sticker announcing that Abby was the top cookie salesgirl for her troop.

sisters cousins auntsJanuary 4, 2002 
The drama instructor posts the cast list for the middle school production of H.M.S. Pinafore. Abby is the fourth girl listed in the chorus of Sisters, Cousins, Aunts.

January 7, 2002
Abby quits drama. Mrs. Fisher meets with Mr. Hughes, the band director, who reluctantly agrees to transfer Abby into band class.

May 24, 2002 
Abby comes home early from school and has dinner in bed, feeling a bit tired. The middle school cast of H.M.S. Pinafore soldiers through. No one notices the band is down a cello.

September 14, 2005 vote for abby
Abby and the principal agree to disagree about the need for a recount in the student elections.

September 15, 2005 
The principal and Mr. Fisher agree to disagree about the need for a recount in the student elections. 

September 17, 2005
Mr. Fisher, sitting with another band dad in the bleachers, jokes that the principal went to Prairie View and couldn’t risk having anyone check her math.

April 18, 2006 
Mrs. Fisher calls the principal to complain about how confusing the science homework instructions have been for the past few weeks. The principal asks if Abby has spoken to the teacher. Mrs. Fisher says no, that the teacher won’t return Mrs. Fisher’s calls any more, which is really unacceptable.

June 24, 2007 
Abby reports for her first summer as a counselors-in-training at camp. She’s been assigned to teach archery and war canoe.

July 2, 2007 
Campers arrive and receive their activities list. Abby welcomes the senior campers and explains she’ll be seeing them at the riding ring and in the lodge for drama.

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