Clever Democrats and Their Feeble Republican Puppets

Arizona’s state legislature seems to be marching toward approval of a bill that would allow employers to deny contraceptive coverage to women who rely on contraceptives to prevent pregnancy. Because Jesus.

The New York Times shares this insightful exchange on the issue with Governor Jan Brewer:

Ms. Brewer said she had not yet studied the legislation, which is sponsored by a Republican representative.

“But I certainly would probably agree with the majority of people that would be a little bit uncomfortable for a woman to have to go to her employer and tell him or her their private health issues,” she said.

Ms. Brewer said she did not have a position on the bill and did not know whether she would sign it if it reached her desk.

However, she said, much of the controversy over the bill appears to be a “Democratic ploy” to drive a wedge between women and Republicans.

“Do I know that for a fact? No, but I’m well versed enough as a politician that I might suspect that,” Ms. Brewer said after saying that Democrats had indicated they were focusing on Arizona as a battleground state in the coming presidential race.

They’ve been found out! Democrats are pulling the strings, forcing feeble-minded and highly suggestible Republicans in state after state to file legislation designed to eviscerate women’s rights while making those Republicans look like idiots.

How does this work?

Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton have a secret headquarters in an abandoned subway tunnel in D.C. They meet regularly, then dial into a conference call with feminist cabals from around the country to craft these malicious bills. I’m quite sure the ACLU is involved, and clearly, NOW, NARAL, S.C.U.M., and Planned Parenthood.

Next, they type up the draft legislation, because all women can type, silly, and also crank out some companion talking points.

Those are couriered to James Carville, the man who has devised the most dramatic political victories of our generation. (I know this because it says so on his website.) Peer reviewed research, funded entirely by government grants, has established that Republicans are powerless to resist any idea as long as it is delivered in the dulcet drone of the Ragin’ Cajun.

In his secret chamber filled with top-notch recording equipment, donated by Hollywood, Carville records podcasts of the bills and talking points.

Those podcasts are then piped into the clock radios, cordless telephones, personal massagers, and other innocuous electronics that litter the bedrooms of our nation’s unsuspecting Republicans. A secret spy satellite triggers the recordings to go off once the occupants of the rooms have fallen into the appropriate stage of REM sleep.

They wake, refreshed, and also convinced that they have come up with a great new way to infringe upon women’s reproductive rights and health. They rush to their offices in statehouses across the country and file those bills.

So don’t you worry, Jan Brewer, don’t you worry! You may not know now whether you’ll sign that bill, but believe me, James Carville has already prepped a podcast just for you, and rumor has it that Gloria Steinem helped with this one. You’ll know exactly what to do when the time comes.

And now, because you know you want it, the update on Perry’s Facebook estrogen-bombing:

This entry was posted in feminists & feminism, politics, pro-choice activism and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Clever Democrats and Their Feeble Republican Puppets

  1. Gary James (Immoderator) says:

    Brilliant satire. Maybe a little over the top.

  2. Pingback: Mockery is the best medicine – Off the Kuff

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