If We Can Have Talk Like a Pirate Day . . .

I think we should institute an International Act Like a Dog Day.

I thought of this as I watched my two wonderfully fluffy poodles quiver and hum at the site of a squirrel descending way too low on a tree in our backyard. I made them sit. They didn’t want to sit, but they did want to do what I told them, because they are such good dogs. Their tails swished madly and their muscles twitched frenetically and their huge brown, glassy eyes penetrated me like laser beams of hope and love as I  v  e  r  y   s  l  o  w   l  y opened the door.

Judge rocked back on his haunches, his head arcing back so it almost touched his back, then sprung a good five feet forward while caterwauling like a cow stuck in the milker.

Lulu did the roadrunner-in-place for 2 full seconds, then rocketed past both me and Judge, emitting a rapid-fire bark not unlike the part of the standard car alarm sequence when the whole thing goes from a staid beep to a furious staccato imaginary space-gun noise.

What if you and I demonstrated our sheer joy and enthusiasm like dogs? One day is probably the most we could stand. How many of us would be able to set aside conventional notions of decorum and hipness? And would you just go through the motions, raising a paw in greeting, or would you give the effort full voice, barking, squealing, and growling?

On International Act Like a Dog Day, it would be awesome to go to restaurants. I’m not entirely sure what the human equivalent is of thumping a tail, but that’s what we’d do as the waiter approached with our food.

On International Act Like a Dog Day, you’d practically go into a seizure when the love of your life walked into the room. Spinning, jumping, eyes rolling back into your head, you’d celebrate ferociously before collapsing into a heap and gazing up into your love’s eyes while he or she stroked your chin, gently scratched behind your ears, and possibly picked goop out of your eyes.

Imagine, for one moment, the person you would go after like Judge and Lulu go after the squirrels of the Woodland Heights.

I think International Act Like a Dog Day should probably happen when the weather is cool, because there will be an awful lot of running around in tight circles while yelping.

I’m sure, too, that someone will start to agitate for an International Act Like a Cat Day, but I think pretty much every weekend or day off from work counts as Act Like a Cat Day. To keep the peace, if we did have to have one, I wonder whether it would make sense to do it on the same day, or to keep the dogs and cats apart.

[I know you people. We will stipulate that a certain percentage of you would spend the entire day trying to lick yourselves. Let’s agree right now not to discuss it any further.]

Thoughts? Comments? What would you look forward to doing on International Act Like a Dog Day?

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