First, a very important disclaimer. I participate fully, enthusiastically, and with great joy in the wedding festivities of dear friends 95% of the time. The 5% of the time that I am snide, sullen, and annoyed simply reflects the fact that snide, sullen, and annoyed just come naturally to me. Nothing to do with my friends or their weddings.
I’m very excited and honored to be involved with the impending nuptials of a friend very dear to my heart. I am determined to do whatever it takes to protect her from the wedding-industrial complex.
Whatever it takes.
Wedding photographers, event planners, and cake bakers of the world, I’m onto you and your sneaky PSYOPS*. The UN and European Court of Human Rights recognize that music can be torture. Brides need to recognize it and protect against it.
All those alleged bridezillas out there are really just sweet, kind, average women who are sleep-deprived and deeply addled after hearing the opening movement from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons every time they click on another page of wedding cake photos.
Brides of the world, turn off the volume on your computer before you surf the web for wedding tips and ideas. Save yourself!
*I have already outed myself as someone who reads cold war thrillers. You may say you don’t know what PSYOPS is, but I think you are just setting me up so I can explain it and you can mock me for watching NCIS. So just google it already.