Snowpocalypse Baking & Kuff’s Birthday Cake

As soon as people started acting responsibly—letting employees go home early, calling off school well in advance so people could make childcare plans, rescheduling meetings, driving cautiously—I knew the great Houston Snowpocalypse of 2011 would be a bust.

Still, I take emergency preparedness very seriously. I got ready for snowpocalypse by cooking. Primarily, I braised meats, one roast after the other, to help warm the house by keeping the oven permanently occupied.

Earlier in the week, a friend tipped me off to a culinary monstrosity: an Oreo baked inside a chocolate chip cookie. By Friday morning, after wondering for several days what something like this would be like, I simply had to test it out.

Behold, the snowpocalypse cookie:

I recruited tasters. This was not a cookie I could tackle alone.

[I considered calling the friend who gave me the idea, but a) she lives on the other side of a particularly icy bridge that crosses a bayou, which would be a 40-foot plunge at least if her car spun out of control and crashed the guard rail, and b) she’s 8 months pregnant, and I was afraid the cookie would either plunge her into gestational diabetic shock or trigger early labor so she’d have to have the baby on the side of the road, unable to get to the hospital. I don’t want to be responsible for any of that.]

The verdict? One person suggested that the cookie really wouldn’t be complete until we dipped it in batter and deep-fried it. The fact that we all immediately agreed sums up the fundamental problem with this creation.

This is food as spectacle. It lacks subtlety. And, frankly, it doesn’t taste very good. Any charm of made from scratch in the chocolate chip cookie part was smacked down by the chemical sweetness of the Oreo.

Sometimes, the fact that you can make something doesn’t mean you should.

It got me thinking about the promise of a flaming cherpumple (or something like that) I made for Kuff’s birthday. I’ve been watching videos to prepare, becoming more and more horrified by this hideous hybrid pie-within-a-cake x 3.

Talk about a dessert that lacks subtlety.

I’m not sure this is the cake I’d pick to bake to show my appreciation for anyone other than a sumo wrestler. Chocolate cake + cherry pie + yellow cake + apple pie + white cake + pumpkin pie + cream cheese frosting to tie it all together? Does that really sound like something you could savor, or does it seem like ordering one of those pizzas with a cheese-stuffed crust and asking for extra cheese?

Kuff, it is your birthday, so it is your call. Do you want a cherpumple, or do you want to pick a single-flavor cake or pie? I make a mean apple pie based on a recipe from Mark Cox of Mark’s … homemade crust … homemade vanilla ice cream to go with it . . . but I’m willing to break out the store-bought mixes and frozen pies if this is what you are after:

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2 Responses to Snowpocalypse Baking & Kuff’s Birthday Cake

  1. Well, gosh. Apple pie is one of my most favorite things in the world, and I don’t think I can resist the idea of a homemade one. I would be honored and delighted to take you up on that. Thank you very much!

  2. Brittanie says:

    Ha, the internet is a small place. I know Charles Phoenix.

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